


Baby's Breath

by pandorasv13



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Amnesia, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Graphic Violence, Romance, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 02:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/844073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorasv13/pseuds/pandorasv13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where is this?<br/>What am I seeing?<br/>There’s someone over there, right? His hair is dark. He looks surprised…I wonder why. Is he here for me? Why would he be?<br/>Oh…there’s someone else next to him. Who is that person?<br/>I wonder if they’re waiting for me to speak.<br/>“Where am I?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Where is this?

What am I seeing?

There’s someone over there, right? His hair is dark. He looks surprised…I wonder why. Is he here for me? Why would he be?

Oh…there’s someone else next to him. Who is that person?

I wonder if they’re waiting for me to speak.

“Where am I?”

They look relieved now, or maybe they look worried still? I can’t tell. Am I supposed to know them?

“You’re in the hospital,” a doctor responded, “Can you tell me your name?”

What a weird question. “I’m Ryeowook, aren’t I?”

“Do you know what year it is?”

Why do you keep asking me silly questions?

Do you know what month and day it is?”

Ryeowook stared at him for a second longer than he probably should have. “It’s July 2nd, I think.”

The doctor started talking about a flurry of things. Ryeowook couldn’t keep up with him, but when he finally slowed down, the patient managed to get a less crazy explanation from the man. “Ryeowook,” the doctor said gently, “you’ve been asleep for a little more than thirteen days. You are at the hospital because you received a concussion from a severe fall over a ledge. I’m assuming you don’t remember any of that?”

“No…,” he said, shaking his head a little bit. Ryeowook’s eyes drifted over to the two people staring blatantly at him. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know who any of you are. Could you please tell me?” his voice was soft, eyes half-lidded.

“That’s the other thing,” the doctor began, “you have selective amnesia. From what I can tell, you don’t recall anything from your first term of school. Today’s date is November 17th. Furthermore, it seems that anyone connected with the accident has been forgotten completely. It’s understandable that his brain would block out any traumatic memories to the best of its ability.”

The dark haired boy stepped forward, his tightly crossed arms slowly dropping. “You have to be joking. He wouldn’t forget us that easily.” Ryeowook felt the person’s gaze flicker to him and then that voice was speaking. “You…have to be playing dumb, right? You can’t wake up after so many days and say that neither of us is recognizable.”

“Who…are you?” the patient asked quietly, brow furrowing in true confusion. Why is he speaking to me like that? Did I upset him? “I’m sorry. I don’t know who you are…”

“My name is Kyuhyun. That other guy is Donghae,” he answered immediately.

Ryeowook closed his eyes again, sighing. “Okay…then what are we? Friends?” he questioned. Before he heard the reply, he was going back to sleep, chest rising and falling easily.

 

The doctor and the two students reconvened out in the hallway. Kyuhyun then proceeded to clench his fists and grind his teeth. “You’re a doctor. You’re supposed to make sure that he comes out safe and sound! How can he have missing memories?”

“Shouldn’t you be happy about this?” Donghae scoffed.

Kyuhyun flinched and went quiet.

“It may be temporary, but often times when the brain suppresses traumatic experiences, they do not resurface,” the doctor explained, “I’ll get his release forms prepared. You could bring him home tonight, but just know that he’ll be extremely tired and very confused.”

“Wait, who is he staying with?” Kyuhyun asked, finding his voice.

Donghae glanced at the boy. “Is that even a question?” He watched the doctor start off down the hallway and then he turned away from the younger male. “Someone like you is just going to mess up this second chance.”

His heart tightened, but he tried to ignore it and walked back into the hospital room. It looked like Ryeowook was falling in and out of sleep. The boy’s eyes were opening again and Kyuhyun had the inexplicable urge to crumple and thank god.

“Hey…how do you feel?” he asked, walking up to Ryeowook and taking his hand hesitantly. Kyuhyun’s heart skipped a beat at the lack of a reaction. This boy…he really didn’t remember anything.

“I’m tired,” Ryeowook answered, staring at their hands. “Who are you again?”

“Uhm, I…I’m Kyuhyun,” he managed, trying to smile and cover up his fumbled words. “You know me from school. And that other person, Donghae, he’s been letting you live with him…I don’t really know why, but you’re going to go home with him tonight.”

“Do you live with us?”

He shook his head, laughing the tiniest bit. “Do you want me to live with you?” Kyuhyun teased, expecting Ryeowook to act like he normally did when jokes like that were made.

Instead, his lips parted and he said softly, “I’m okay either way…”

“Oh,” he looked down and then back up with a forced grin, “right, sorry, I keep thinking that you would know what I’m talking about.” Kyuhyun squeezed their locked hands. “I’ll make sure you remember everything, okay, Ryeowook?”

He nodded, but said nothing. Why does this person care so much?

 

***

 

“You’re always following me. What are you trying to do?” Kyuhyun snapped, walking up to the tiny person some feet behind him.

“My name is Ryeowook,” he bowed his head formally, blushing and looking back up at the tall, dark haired boy, “I’m sorry for following you…but I really want to get to know you better. There was no chance to talk to you during school because you’re always surrounded by people, so I’ve been trying to talk to you since we go the same way home everyday but then I just ended up following you instead of starting a conversation with you,” he blurted.

“So what? Why do you want to know me?”

“Well, I always see you at school and you seem like a really cool person so I wanted to get to know you,” Ryeowook responded, smiling.

Kyuhyun’s surprised face quickly melted into a smirk. “It’s like a love confession. Fine, if you want to know me, then we can walk home together from now on.”

 

 

“C’mon, school’s over,” Kyuhyun prompted, standing over the still seated Ryeowook.

The latter looked up at him blankly. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you do this every day?” Ryeowook asked, standing up nonetheless. He pulled his book bag on, but didn’t move anymore.

“Because this is what we always did.” Kyuhyun reached for the boy’s hand, but then stopped himself. “…So let’s go already.”

 

 

“Wait, Kyuhyun!” Ryeowook called, rushing to catch up with the quickly departing boy. Once he reached the taller boy, he touched his arm, looking up with a slight frown. “Why did you say we could walk home together and then leave without me?”

“Maybe I should’ve been clearer. You can walk home with me if you leave on time,” Kyuhyun stated, pulling away from the boy’s touch. “Besides, a stalker like you can definitely find me no matter what, right?”

Ryeowook swallowed the lump in his throat and then nodded. It was probably just a joke anyway. “Y-Yeah, of course I can!”

 

 

“It makes no sense to go with you,” he said, point blank. “We don’t have to do this.” Ryeowook backed away from the guy, eyes focused on Kyuhyun as if challenging him to follow. “I know that you said you would help me get my memory back, but life isn’t based only on the past. I don’t need to live every day like I did before. That doesn’t matter to me.”

“Why are you acting so strange?” Kyuhyun retorted, clenching his fists. “So what if you lost your memory? That shouldn’t change you this much. You still remember who you were over the summer and from last year.”

That was when he frowned, confused. “…I’m sorry. I don’t know what to tell you. This is who I am.” Then Ryeowook backed away, slowly turning and walking off.

 

***

 

Donghae took a small sip of his drink. The bench was a little chilly in the late November air, but he didn’t mind too much. Beside him was Kyuhyun, who was looking incredibly unsteady. It had to be the first time he had ever seen the boy like that. Whether or not he was pleased… “So why do you want to talk?”

“Why is Ryeowook being so…strange? His personality couldn’t have been changed that much. He still knows how to do a lot, yet when he speaks to me, I can’t even recognize him,” Kyuhyun was looking down, jaw taut and eyes strained.

“A better question is why do you care so much?” Donghae tilted his head to gaze at him. “You didn’t care about him at all before this happened. In fact, didn’t you want him to—?”

“—I know what I said!” he cut off the older boy, “…but…but people can change, can’t they? I’m allowed to change my mind.”

“Yeah, you are, but what about if he gets his memory back? Will you still be acting like this if he’s chasing you again? Aren’t you just feeling guilty?”

Kyuhyun glowered at his own hands. “Why is he so different? Just tell me that.”

Donghae sighed, standing up. “He’s not different.”

“Yes he is.”

“He’s not different,” Donghae repeated, “he was different with you. He’s just normal now. Maybe this is a good chance for you to know the real Ryeowook – not the one that was infatuated with you.” He shrugged, “I still wonder what made him like you in the first place. He’s so sensible, yet he let himself fall so hard for someone like you.”

 

“Why are you doing all of this?” Donghae sighed, “He doesn’t even care about you. All he wants is to see you in pain.”

Ryeowook looked over at the doorway and smiled at his roommate. “But it’s my pain to take. I’m the one bothering him, so he has a right to his own opinions. I just want to be selfish and do as I please.”

“You’re setting yourself up,” the older boy argued.

“I’ll make him see me and then everything will be okay,” Ryeowook assured as he picked out the perfect outfit for tomorrow.

Donghae gazed at the young boy for a long moment. “…what do you see in someone like him? You know what he’s capable of…or at least, you have an idea of what he does. So why do you still bother with him? To be so faithful to someone after knowing them for only three months is ridiculous.”

“The way I see it,” he stated, “is that I’m attracted to him. Falling in love with him can come over time, isn’t that okay?”

 

“I’m home,” Donghae called, kicking his shoes off and walking to Ryeowook’s room. He pushed the door open to see the boy holding a handful of photos.

“Hi, hyung,” Ryeowook smiled a little, seemingly excited, “I think I’m starting to remember things.” He waved the photos in his hand. “Well…I remember some stuff about you. I don’t know why I forgot you since I’ve known you for so long. I’m sorry.”

“It was probably from shock and fatigue,” he brushed off the matter. Donghae sat down on the bed and grinned easily up at the younger male. Even though he wasn’t saying anything, it really was relieving to know that Ryeowook could recall who he was. “I’m glad you didn’t forget me for too long.”

“I agree,” he chuckled. Ryeowook sat down beside the older male. Flipping through the photos, he stopped at one that depicted him and Kyuhyun. “…that person…was he special to me? I don’t understand why he’s always trying to stay nearby. I can’t imagine feeling anything for him,” Ryeowook admitted quietly.

Donghae patted his head. “I would’ve never said this in the past, but I guess what’s done is done and forgotten. Next time you’re with Kyuhyun, talk to him about it.”

 

***

 

“Even if you cry, I won’t know what to do. You’re getting upset all on your own.”

Ryeowook wiped the tears away as best he could. “I-I know that already…I’m sorry…I’m sorry I won’t cry anymore.”

“You can cry whenever you want,” Kyuhyun rubbed his forehead tiredly, “Just don’t do it in front of me. You’re such a nuisance that way.” He turned and walked back towards the restaurant. “Look, if you know that I’m out on a date, then don’t just come along and try to intrude. That’s pathetic.”

“But you said that you would meet me today and I just thought…,” he trailed off, just wanting to curl up into a ball a die.

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, smiling in a pitying way. “Really…if I say that I want to meet you, it definitely has to mean that I need you to do something for me – not go and disrupt my plans. Don’t forget that in the future. Now go home already.” Then he disappeared through the door.

 

 

“What am I to you?” Ryeowook questioned as they walked home.

Kyuhyun stiffened a bit, eyes averting. His mind raced with memories as he searched for an answer to that question, but in the end he couldn’t think of a satisfactory one. “…What…do you mean?”

“Tell me why you care so much,” he responded.

“I care because we were close to one another,” Kyuhyun stated. “Isn’t that enough?”

Ryeowook sighed witheringly. “No it’s not. I keep finding you everywhere. You’re on the computer in my room. You’re in photos and journals and in unsent letters, too.”

“Really?” His eyes widened, but not out of surprise. He already knew that the old Ryeowook was obsessed with him. What made him question those words was the bluntness in his voice – as if there was a detachment from those things. Ryeowook spoke as if he could’ve never done such things. And as Kyuhyun spent more time with the boy, he really wondered if Ryeowook could’ve ever been the lovesick puppy he had come to know.

“Yes,” he nodded, seemingly frustrated, “Please don’t take my next words as an insult. I can’t see why…,” Ryeowook looked at Kyuhyun seriously, maybe even a little desperately, “…why I would ever like you. I read things and I see things about you and me, but I don’t feel anything.”

 

 

“Please go out with me on Christmas!” Ryeowook held his breath after speaking, both eyes shut tightly. He had stopped in the middle of the road, waiting for an answer from Kyuhyun. It was all he wanted – just one date.

The young male’s facial expression didn’t change. “Are you really that crazy about me? It’s only November, so why are you asking me so soon?”

“I don’t want anyone else asking you,” he said quickly, “So please? Will you spend Christmas with me?”

Kyuhyun exhaled softly, “Fine. We can do something.”

“Thank you!” Ryeowook stuttered, blushing and smiling.

 

 

“It’s no big deal,” Kyuhyun assured, hands curling into fists inside his pockets, “we weren’t lovers or anything. You…don’t have to worry about that stuff.”

“If we weren’t lovers, then tell me what we were.”

“It’s hard to say,” he responded a little too quickly. Kyuhyun cleared his throat and began again. “If you read those journals, I’m sure you’ll understand what I mean.”

Ryeowook stopped walking and pulled out a beaten up notebook. “You tell me if there’s anything in there. I’ve already read through it and I still don’t understand.” He side stepped Kyuhyun and started up the steps to Donghae’s house. “Have a safe trip home.”

The door shut without hesitation and all Kyuhyun had were a stinging in his chest and a battered book in his hand.

 

They reached the front door and Kyuhyun was already walking off, not wanting to wait around for Ryeowook’s normal ritual for goodbye. Before he could get even a few steps away, there were two slender arms wrapping around his waist from behind. Kyuhyun stifled a sigh and waited impatiently for the boy to release him.

“Have a safe trip home, Kyuhyun.” Each word was always drenched with sincerity and affection. Yet he didn’t care for any of it. All he wanted was to go home already and get away from this delusional boy.

 

Kyuhyun covered his face, trying not to let the lump in his throat rise. “…those words…,” he mumbled, slowly starting to walk forward, “…they don’t work if you don’t care about me.”


	2. Part 2

August 24

 

It’s been two months since I met Kyuhyun and although he has his ups and downs, I still really admire him. I’m probably a little crazy about him too. There’s something so different about him. He doesn’t try to be a good person and he doesn’t try to hide the truth from me. I know that there’s a slim chance that we’ll ever be together, but I want to keep hoping because love is about trials and effort, isn’t it? If I don’t throw myself entirely into this, then I’ll never feel those emotions again.

I want to be responsible for bringing him happiness. No one else should ever be that damaged and if possible, I’ll do everything I can to make him feel love.

 

July 10

 

Today I spoke to a boy named Kyuhyun for the first time. He’s really strange and although he’s not cold, he’s not friendly either. I think there’s something wrong with him…or rather, he’s really like me. When I watch him, I can see more and more of myself and I think I want to get to know him.

What is he really like? What would it take to make him see that where he’s headed now…just won’t end up going well? I know what it’s like to be in that situation and I don’t think I could ever watch someone be like me.

 

August 5

 

I hung out with Kyuhyun today. He and I actually did something after school! I was so surprised that he agreed. Honestly, I want to know what made him say yes. Of course there wasn’t anything spectacular about the hang out. We just got some street stall food and then we went our separate ways as always.

He isn’t warming up to me yet, but that’s okay. I’m sure eventually our relationship will get better. It has to be better otherwise I’ll feel like I’ve failed. Next time we hang out, I’ll make sure that I’m extra happy and excited. That way, Kyuhyun won’t feel pressured. All I want is to see him smile for real. Wouldn’t it look great on him?

 

 

Kyuhyun chucked the journal across the room and buried his head in arms. “Why didn’t you just fucking tell me all of that, stupid?” he shouted. “If those were your intentions, then why the fuck didn’t you just say so?!” He refused to let himself cry, instead burying the burning sensation that had rippled through his body.

Silence filled the apartment as there was no one around. It had been like that for as long as he could recall. The past three years of high school were solitary at home. Why would anyone want to live with Kyuhyun, when his elder brother was already a success and heir? They don’t need a runt to get in the way.

 

 

“Does your entire family live in such a small apartment?” Ryeowook asked one day after following Kyuhyun back to his place.

The taller boy shrugged casually and pushed the door open. “No, I’m living here alone for school.”

“Is there any reason?”

“Why are you so nosy?” he snapped, stopping Ryeowook before he could enter the apartment. “Look, I didn’t tell you to walk all the way home with me. Now turn around and get out of my sight already.”

Ryeowook didn’t get a chance to say anything as the door slammed in his face.

 

He grabbed the journal again and flipped to the end. There were no entries leading up to the accident. Everything stopped on Halloween. Kyuhyun’s heart stopped for a second when he read the date. No one could ever forget about that night. It was the worst night of Ryeowook’s life, probably. Kyuhyun wouldn’t have known since he left so soon.

A part of him didn’t want to read it, but then again, he always wanted to know everything. But would that change anything? Kyuhyun gazed at the journal’s cover, one finger marking the final entry. “Will I hate myself even more after this?” he whispered.

 

“He’s just a fucking nuisance. I always tell him that, but he comes running back to me like I’m some sort of prince,” Kyuhyun laughed, leaning back on the couch. There was a cup of spiked punch in his hand and loud music in the background.

One of the people near him joined in the taunting. “Why do you let him stay by you like that? Maybe he’s good at giving head?”

“Yeah,” he scoffed, “That’s definitely the only thing he’s good for. I bet he does that for everyone. What a slut.”

“Why don’t you share some of that then?” another person joked, nudging Kyuhyun. “I just got some awesome shit earlier today. Can you get him to come over?”

Kyuhyun felt nothing. He pulled out his phone without thinking and texted Ryeowook. The reply was immediate and then he knew that for sure, the boy would come and then everything would change.

Ryeowook would hate him.

Ryeowook would tell him to never see him again.

Ryeowook would stay away.

That’s all Kyuhyun wanted. The kid was a pest and the sooner he realized just how much he was hated, the better it would be.

Not long after that message was sent, Ryeowook stepped into the party, looking around for the person who had called him. Kyuhyun came out and led him upstairs to one of the bedrooms. There were barely any words exchanged. They had done this enough times for Ryeowook to know what was about to happen.

“Is it alright to do this at someone’s party?” he asked, gulping down the entire cup that Kyuhyun had given him. It was a long walk from his house to the party after all. Next thing he knew, he was lying back on the bed and Kyuhyun was over him, grinning in that horribly wicked way.

A hand clamped down on Ryeowook’s mouth and then Kyuhyun was speaking into a phone. “Hey, he’s in the room at the end of the hall. I already gave him the drugs. Do whatever you want.”

“W-What?” Ryeowook tried to sit up after being released, but then there was a buzzing in his head and he fell back again.

“Get it through your head already,” Kyuhyun spat, standing up and walking to the door, “I’ll never like you. I don’t even see you as a person. You’re just an annoying thing that follows me everywhere. Just fucking stop it already. I never want to see that ugly face of yours again.”

He slammed the door and strode past the two boys he had called up. They patted his back and whispered thanks to him as they disappeared into the room.

“It’s just sex,” Kyuhyun told himself as he left the party, “Nothing bad will happen.” He bristled at his own nonsense and strode down the dark street back to his empty home.

 

 

October 31

 

I don’t remember anything.

There’s nothing to say.

For me, I don’t want to ever think of remembering this night.

Whatever did happen is certainly too much of a mess to recall.

I’ve never clung to the past.

I can be a different person every day of my life and I would be satisfied.

I am not sculpted by the past nor will I ever be sculpted by the past.

I am me every day of my life.

Who I choose to be is who I will be.

That’s why I don’t care about memories.

They aren’t something to cherish.

So that’s why today I’ll go to school and I’ll eat lunch with Kyuhyun and then I’ll come home and ask Donghae to help me change my bandages.

 

…People who are swallowed by memories end up like Kyuhyun. I was there before. I never want to be like that again. It’s hateful and cold and lonely. If possible, I’ll save Kyuhyun. I’ll show him that it’s okay to let everything go because even arguments like purity and justice do not exist.

You are not pure or just.

Everyone sins.

Everyone hates.

But when you just stop caring – when you truly stop caring – you’ll find that everything can be pure and just for a little bit.

For one day, you can live as if you’ll never live again. You can be crazy one day. You can be kind and warm the next. So long as you know that the next day, none of it will matter.

The importance of a person is based on their day to day actions.

If you live without concern, you will be happy.

Let yourself love at will.

Let your heart be the only thing imprinted with emotions.

Even if those emotions cause you pain, you’ll know just a little more about this vast world.

Just…never bind yourself to memories. You are not you if all you have is a past-you.

Living in the present means that you’ll always walk forward and when you glance back…you’ll get eaten alive.

 

 

Kyuhyun watched his own tears splash onto the paper. “How can you live so flippantly?” his voice cracked, the tears ceaseless. “How can you be so sincere and carefree?” He closed the journal and buried his face in his pillow, body curling in quietly.

 

 

The weekend passed. It had been two days since Kyuhyun heard from Ryeowook. When school came though, he heard whispers and rumors floating around. Obviously it couldn’t have been that severe, right? If something truly bad had happened, the news would’ve been full of it.

Kyuhyun walked up to his normal eating place and nearly fell backwards when he saw Ryeowook sitting at the top of the stairwell as always. “Hi,” he greeted, smiling and waving at the wide eyed boy.

“What…are you doing here?” he managed. “And what happened to you?” Kyuhyun felt the image being engraved into his skull. There were so many bandages…everywhere.

Ryeowook looked down at himself. What gauze covered his neck and wrists, some bruising apparent on his fingers and cheeks. “…I don’t remember,” he answered simply, “But how are you, Kyuhyun? Did you have a good weekend?”

“Oh fuck…,” he covered his mouth, bile rising up from his stomach. Kyuhyun turned away, running back down the stairs and to the bathroom. There were no footsteps chasing after him, but he didn’t care. Throwing open a stall, he proceeded to puke up whatever food and drink he had in his stomach. “Oh my god,” Kyuhyun coughed, desperately trying to shake off the feelings.

He wasn’t supposed to care if Ryeowook died.

And in a way, he didn’t care if Ryeowook died.

But this was different.

He could see what he did.

Ryeowook was living proof of guilt.

From behind, Kyuhyun heard someone coming towards him. Turning around, he saw a worried boy looking at him. Before Ryeowook could utter even a word, Kyuhyun glared at him, hands tightening around the toilet seat. “Why couldn’t you have died that night?! Why do you have to be alive right now?!” he screamed. “Get away from me already! I fucking hate you, don’t you get it?!”

 

***

 

Ryeowook walked silently walked beside Kyuhyun. Neither of them spoke a word as they slowly trailed down the snowy street. Finally breaking the silence, Ryeowook turned to look at the boy. “Why are we still doing this?”

“Doing what?” Kyuhyun asked with far too much cheer.

“This,” he indicated the two of them with a gloved hand, “I don’t know what you want from me, but I have nothing I want from you. I am sorry for being so blunt, but please, if there’s something you need to tell me, do it now because I’m tired of this already.”

What do you mean you’re tired of this? Kyuhyun buried his face in the high collar of his jacket. “…The you right now…are you really living in the present? If you lost your memory, haven’t you lost experiences that lead up to the present you? …Does that make you someone from the past?”

Ryeowook sighed and adjusted his school bag. “None of it matters,” he said flatly, “I still live every day as if it were a single instance in time. Even if I lose memories, I will never lose this mindset. Honestly, I don’t even know why I began that journal. There must’ve been something wrong with me these past few months.”

“There was nothing wrong with you,” Kyuhyun responded a little too sharply. He cursed under his breath, not daring to make eye contact with Ryeowook. “…you had a heart.”

“And I don’t have a heart now?” he mused, cracking a faint smile. “Whoever you’re looking for is already gone. If you keep searching for something in the past, then you’ll never see what’s right in front of you, waiting.”

“Why are you so willing to throw away all those important moments? Don’t you ever wonder—?”

“—I don’t wonder,” Ryeowook interrupted, “I don’t need to do something like that. People lose themselves in the heartache and tenderness that can be found in memories.” He took a deep breath, seemingly wary of speaking. “Just stop feeling guilty or whatever. You don’t need to stick around me for such a trivial reason.”

Kyuhyun stiffened a bit, trying to think of a reply. “…I can’t stop. There’s no one to pull me out of the past.”

 

 

“You really think you can do something like that?” Kyuhyun laughed, smirking down at the determined boy.

“Yes, of course I’ll do my best!” Ryeowook insisted. “I don’t know everything about you, but I know that you’re in pain. You want to face the world, but you aren’t right now.”

“And how would you know anything?” he retorted.

The boy blushed, but didn’t lose the light in his eyes. “I know what it’s like to pine after things that have already passed. Maybe we aren’t that close right now—”

“You wanna be a hero or something?” Kyuhyun cocked an eyebrow. “Do whatever you want.”

 

 

“There’s never going to be someone like that,” Ryeowook shrugged, gazing at Kyuhyun honestly. “People aren’t out to help one another.”

“You were out to help others!” Kyuhyun blurted, catching the other male’s arm before he could start towards Donghae’s front door. “You wanted to help me. You read it in that journal! I’m worth it…that’s what you thought.”

Ryeowook didn’t think he could loosen the grip on his wrist. “That’s why I said I don’t understand that journal. I would’ve never thought that. I also wouldn’t have ever written a journal. I’ve already told you that I live each day as a separate adventure. No one, even someone who’s like me, is worth saving.” He took a slow breath as a sad smile crossed his lips. “Don’t you get it yet? Why would I save someone when I had to save myself? You can’t possibly change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves.” Ryeowook felt the hand around his wrist weaken and so he took the opportunity to get away. “Now let me go already. Go live your own life. Stop thinking that you owe me something. Whatever you want to give me, I don’t want.”


	3. Part 3

“There aren’t many people in this world that would’ve been like the Ryeowook you knew,” Donghae remarked, finding himself on a bench in the bitter cold once again.

Kyuhyun kicked his feet, eyes cast down as he often found them those days. “Why is he like that? Shouldn’t an amnesic person want to know about their past?”

“How many times do you have to hear it before you get it through your head?” Donghae grumbled. “He. Doesn’t. Care. About. The. Past.” The older male took a calming breath. “Ryeowook’s grandparents are dead. His parents are both too busy for their son. Why do you think he lives with a family friend, that is, me? Someone as fragile and emotional as Ryeowook needs to live in the present. By living in the past, he only feels pain.”

“…why didn’t he ever tell me anything about his family?” Kyuhyun whispered. “If he did, we could’ve gotten along better.”

Donghae took a swig of his hot tea. “And what? You two could’ve bonded over your destroyed families? Yeah, what good would that do for either of you? He wanted you to wake up and see that life isn’t about the past, that’s why he didn’t talk about it. You never had to forget about your memories. All you needed to do was realize that those experiences don’t make you a person. Ryeowook has been living just fine by that motto. He can see past the most painful things because he knows that the next day is a clean slate.”

Standing up in a very déjà vu manner, Donghae shuffled back towards home. “Now stop this nonsense. If Ryeowook doesn’t want you to see him, then stop coming around and bothering him. Just get a move on with your life.”

 

 

“What is that?” Kyuhyun prompted as they stopped by a flower shop on the way home. There was an old lady working in the back area, and a small group of children admiring the rainbow colored flowers on display.

Ryeowook looked up from his crouched position. There was a bundle of delicate flowers near his face. “They’re called Baby’s Breath,” he answered with a wide grin. “Do you like flower, Kyuhyun?”

“No, I was just wondering,” he huffed, looking away.

“Well, you should be interested in them.” Ryeowook teased, pulling out a bundle of the filler flowers and bringing them up to the register. After paying for them, he turned around and rejoined Kyuhyun who was being pestered by some of the children.

Once they were on their way again, Ryeowook brought the flowers up to his face, gazing at the tiny petals. “Do you know why I love this so much?”

“How would I know?” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, still keeping his ears open out of curiosity.

“They have a really beautiful meaning,” Ryeowook explained, running his fingertips over the top of the mini bouquet, “Baby’s Breath symbolizes everlasting love.” He chuckled, cheeks pink. “Time, thoughts, memories and experiences have no effect on an everlasting love. Even if you forget about the person or things you love, it wouldn’t matter, because that’s the meaning of everlasting. For eternity, you can continue bearing affection for that one special something.”

They stopped in front of Ryeowook’s place and then the latter pushed the flowers towards Kyuhyun. “So here, take them and go in whatever direction you want.” Ryeowook smiled gently, “because no matter what, you’ll find your everlasting love and then, even if you’re stuck in the past, you’ll never be alone.”

It was all garbage though.

What absolute nonsense.

Kyuhyun tossed the flowers into the trash in front of his apartment.

Ryeowook was just dreaming.

 

***

 

He twirled his pencil, eyes unfocused and tired. Ever since that day he told Kyuhyun to go away, the guy really had listened to hm. Normally, Ryeowook wouldn’t have thought twice about such things, but there was something off about the entire situation.

After so much persistence, he still didn’t know what Kyuhyun wanted from him. Was it really just to get his memories back? Ryeowook couldn’t imagine someone actually going to that much effort just out of guilt. What exactly were they to one another if they weren’t lovers?

“It’s already pretty late. Are you still studying?” Donghae asked from the doorway.

Ryeowook spun around in the desk chair, eye locking with the older male who carried two mugs of tea. “I have a question for you, hyung.”

“What’s up?” he smiled lightly, sitting down on the bed after giving the younger male the mug.

“You were there when I got into that accident, right? What happened that night?”

“Is this really what you want to talk about?” Donghae asked carefully.

“I’ve never been so hung up on something in my life. This is all I want to know,” Ryeowook sighed. “Then maybe I can move on. This is such a tiresome topic.”

“Well…alright…I can’t tell you all of the details with precision because I didn’t show up until a bit later.” Donghae took a sip of his drink before speaking, “You went to a party with Kyuhyun that night. I told you to stay home because you still had some recovering injuries from Halloween, but you didn’t listen. After getting too worried about you, I decided to go there and do a quick check to see if you were safe.” Donghae omitted the fact that they had gotten into a huge fight over Kyuhyun that night. Certainly Ryeowook was just being willful if he really thought it was a good idea to go to another party alone with that horrible boy.

In the end, however, Ryeowook just went anyway, leaving Donghae to worry at home. “When I got there, I heard you were out on the balcony with Kyuhyun. I only heard bits and pieces of your conversation…but it sounded like you were telling him something important. I don’t know why you would’ve been talking to him after all of the terrible things he did, but you were there, chattering along like he was just a misled teen for you to fix.”

Ryeowook stayed silent, absorbing everything and yet not feeling anything. Even if he did have his memory restored, he doubted he would ever care.

“You grabbed his arm when he tried to walk away, and then he shook you off pretty violently. One of his friends shoved you for good measure and then you tripped and fell over the balcony ledge. It was a very low railing and then…,” he trailed off with a slight shrug. “That’s it.”

Without thinking about it, Ryeowook got up, grabbing his jacket on the way out. “Dammit,” he cursed, fumbling with his shoes and darting out of the house. No wonder Kyuhyun had been so guilt-ridden. Why did he care so much? Obviously it was because he felt completely responsible for nearly killing Ryeowook.

Everything was finally starting to make sense.

 

Kyuhyun didn’t know why he went out and bought one. It didn’t make sense to him, not even a little bit. But there it was, on his desk, taunting him. He closed his eyes, trying to get the image of it out of his head.

After what felt like an hour, he turned to see the Baby’s Breath bouquet still there. Frowning, Kyuhyun sat up, grabbed his coat and the flowers, and then headed towards the front door. He pushed outwards, immediately hearing a painful crashing noise.

Eyes large with horror, he felt his brain flashing back at the sight of Ryeowook’s wide eyed face as the boy sailed backwards over the railing. Kyuhyun lunged forward, snatching him and pulling him in tightly. The metal apartment ledge rattled from the close call. “What…What are you doing here?” Kyuhyun demanded, still gripping the boy as if he would suddenly fly over that metal bar if he let go.

“I came to tell you to give up,” Ryeowook breathed, heart racing from the experience. For a moment there, he had a vision of something similar to the incident, but that thought had quickly faded.

“What are you talking about?” Kyuhyun panted, swallowing hard and absently smoothing the hairs on Ryeowook’s head.

The latter struggled against the taller boy’s body, but eventually gave up. “I’m saying don’t feel guilty anymore. I didn’t know that you were part of the reason I fell off that balcony. Don’t worry about it. I forgive you, so please move forward.”

Kyuhyun’s eyes trailed down to the somewhat crumpled flowers as he loosened his hold on Ryeowook. “What if I don’t want to give up?” he murmured, slowly letting his brain stop its incessant buzzing. “…I…don’t want to give up on you.”

“Even I don’t want to remember, Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook explained once again.

“Not that,” he shook his head hastily. “I hurt you so much already and now you can’t recall any of it. It’s like a clean slate that I don’t deserve. I want to redo it all. I want you to see me as a person who doesn’t throw tantrums like a child. And I don’t want you to pity me. But…But I keep remembering and regretting—”

“—the you right now is all that matters,” he cut off Kyuhyun. “I…don’t mind getting to know you if you have this attitude.”

“W-What?” Kyuhyun pulled back, face heating up.

“Pain shouldn’t last a lifetime,” Ryeowook stated, smiling a little, “it’s an instant to punish you. But all pain is meant to eventually fade. Even scars stop hurting. So whatever it is that you regret, make amends.”

Kyuhyun dropped to his knees, feeling utterly defeated for the first time. He laughed, broken and unsteady at first, but it quickly became something free and careless and absolutely beautiful. All Ryeowook did was watch in surprise, and then amusement. They were too young to be bitter, right?

“Then to the past you,” Kyuhyun spoke softly, “I’m sorry. I will never be able to change that night or any of the other days and nights that I ruined, but I’ll do everything I can now to fix myself. You’ll never meet that horrible person again. I’m never going to forget those experiences, even if I find myself moving on, I’ll forever be in your debt. You…to be able to forgive me so many times,” he picked up the bouquet, twirling it slowly as he continued kneeling on the ground, “…you must really be an angel, Ryeowook.”

“…what flower is that?” he questioned, crouching down to eye level.

Kyuhyun smiled tenderly, eyes twinkling with something anxious and warm. He held out the flowers to Ryeowook and in the softest, clearest voice, he said, “It’s called Baby’s Breath. It means everlasting love.”


End file.
